Special Announcement:
Prime Furniture Source Going Green
Miami, April 1, 2008 -- Like most of you, we at Prime Furniture Source have been hearing a lot about this new “going green” phenomenon. At first we didn’t know what to make of it, but if it’s good enough for Al Gore, then who are we to argue?
So it is with great pleasure and a deep personal satisfaction that we at Prime Furniture Source announce that all our modern furniture is now “green.”
This was not an easy process, one that took months to complete. So that you can appreciate the lengths to which we went to accomplish this, we’d like to outline the steps we took to make this happen:
Problem 1: Not enough paint. Our first problem was, where are we going to get all that paint? We tried going to the local Home Depot but it turned out they didn’t have that much green paint. And with everyone going green these days, it’s no surprise.
But we weren’t going to let this little problem stop us. After a few Wikipedia searches, we discovered that the leaf of a special tree only found in the Brazilian Amazon not only was the perfect shade of green, when finely ground, it made for a perfect aerosol based paint.
Problem 2: Monkeys. Unfortunately, due to the number of trees that we had to cut down to create this paint (large swathes of forest in fact), several small species of monkey were left without a home. Given that we are nothing if not humanitarians at Prime Furniture Source, we knew that we couldn’t just leave them homeless. So we purchased thousands of tiny cages.
It wasn’t easy, but after about 3 weeks of driving around in our entourage of Hummers hunting those little guys, we finally were able to corral the majority of them and put them in their little cages.
Problem 3: The Natives. We almost sparked an international incident when we unintentionally “imprisoned” a little guy name Pedro, who had so much hair all over his body that we could not tell him apart from the rest of the little beasts. It didn’t help that he didn’t know how to speak, he just ended up muttering these bestial sounds, which we later found out was something called “Portuguese,” which sounds a lot like a monkey language. So after explaining to the local authorities that it was all a big misunderstanding and bribing the locals with food, we went about our business.
Problem 4: Testing the Paint. After we were sure that we had not captured any other hairy Brazilian natives, we came to the conclusion that keeping the monkeys in a cage was only a short-term solution. Instead, we decided to put the little guys to work. Since there was no way to test whether or not our leaf-based aerosol paint was actually safe to humans, we tested the paint on our little monkey friends.
Problem 5: Insects, thousands of ‘em. Turns out that our paint attracted insects. Imagine our surprise when our army of test monkeys was attacked by a swarm of giant insects. Luckily, we had enough insecticide to kill several herds of elephant – we were, after all in the Brazilian rainforest. Once we were done spraying, we were insect-free. The several drugged monkeys were an added bonus. Oh man! That would have made a great YouTube video.
What was the result of all of our efforts? All our modern furniture is now 100% green. As an added bonus, we now also sell caged monkeys -- some of 'em mildly crazy. (Click here to learn more.)
Sincerely,
The PrimeFurnitureSource.com Team
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